Agony analyst

A long time ago there were magazines called Drum, True Love, Step etc. I remember nicking from my uncles, just to read the agony aunts. Here is the a dot.com Agony analyst.

I got this forwarding and I couldn't help but share it.


Letter 1

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2006.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. The mistakes then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge.

These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2008, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2008, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Please Help


Letter 2

Dear Systems Analyst,

I recently upgraded my program from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected Child Processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources.This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during systems initialization and then it monitors all other system activities. Applications such as "BoysNight out 2.5" and "Golf 5.3" no longer run, and crashes the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate selected "SaturdayChampionsLeague 9.3" always fails and "Saturday Shopping 7.1" runs instead.

I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favourite applications. Be it online or offline. I am thinking of going back to "Girlfriend 7.0", or install Mistress 2008 but uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 program. Can you please help?

.... AND THIS IS WHAT THE ANALYST SAID:

Dear Customers,

This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding of the functions of Wife 1.0 program. Many customers upgrade from Girlfriends programmes to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITY AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM.

Actually, Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its Creator to run everything on your current platform. You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend, as Wife 1.0 was not designed to do this and it is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the system once it is installed. Some people have tried to install Girlfriend or Wife 2.0 but have ended up with even more problems. (See manual under Alimony/Child Support and Solicitors' Fees).

Having Wife 1.0 installed, I recommend you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best as you can. When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the C:\ APOLOGIZE\FORGIVEME.EXE Program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-Key for it will freeze the entire system.

To get the most out of it, consider buying additional Software such as "Flowers 2.0" and "Chocolates 5.0" or "HUGS\ KISSES 600.0" or "TENDERNESS\ UNDERSTANDING 1000.0" or even Eating out without the Kids 7.2.1" (if Child processing has already started).

DO NOT under any circumstances install "Secretary 2.1" (Short Skirt Version) or "One Nightstand 3.2" (Any Mood Version), as this is not a supported Application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly CRASH.

BEST WISHES

Technical Support

Just a pair of trousers, have mine.

It was the last day of term a.k.a. Closing day. It was a day when we boasted our worldly possessions, mainly our flashy home clothes ( we had to decide a whole month in advance) and the whole term’s savings, which added up to about Ksh10.00, at most Ksh30.00. This was a fortune considering bus fare was only 50 cents.

My younger brother (he is 4 minutes younger than me) and I had shared lots of things including clothes. You see, they called me Wanja Kihii, and I only claimed ownership of 2, maybe 3 dresses, for special occasions. The rest were boys’ clothes and were shared between the two of us.

Sharing was not a problem, until my brother got circumcised and ‘became a man. He decided his things were his, including the clothes that had bore his title, ‘men’. But I was not ready to give up the title ‘Wanja Kihii’ just like that.

This closing day I had eyed a pair of jeans, so had my brother.

So this Friday morning, I woke up first as usual, prepared myself and got the pair of jeans first. For this day, and this day only in the whole term, I anticipated leaving home before he woke up.

Too late, he was up before I was completely ready to leave. I was having breakfast when my brother caught up with me. Seeing what I was wearing, he demanded I take off his clothes. As usual, we fought. It is this fighting and shouting that woke my grandfather, who was visiting.

He intervened, and my brother went about justifying himself. They were his clothes alright, but why couldn’t I wear them. Because men do not share clothes with women, only boys did.

My grandfather felt sorry for me, and to sort the whole problem, went into his bag and came back with a pair of trousers. The waist must have been a 40 something, but otherwise very new.

‘You’re fighting over just a pair of trousers, have mine’. Mubuto tu nigua muraruwira, kee uyu wakwa.’

He said it with so much sympathy, that I felt so humiliated. I took off the jeans. My brother had for once won.

I went to school a very sad girl, despite having saved Ksh23.00 to spend on goody goodies, and a short trip to Pop-In and Cameo Cinema.

That was the end of sharing.