Flowerly Maua

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I smile recklessly and I love excessively. I live today knowing I have no other day until tomorrow. Now is my moment. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow is a mystery, but today, today is my gift (present).

Thursday, 31 January 2008

Agony analyst

A long time ago there were magazines called Drum, True Love, Step etc. I remember nicking from my uncles, just to read the agony aunts. Here is the a dot.com Agony analyst.

I got this forwarding and I couldn't help but share it.


Letter 1

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2006.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. The mistakes then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge.

These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2008, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2008, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Please Help


Letter 2

Dear Systems Analyst,

I recently upgraded my program from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected Child Processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources.This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during systems initialization and then it monitors all other system activities. Applications such as "BoysNight out 2.5" and "Golf 5.3" no longer run, and crashes the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate selected "SaturdayChampionsLeague 9.3" always fails and "Saturday Shopping 7.1" runs instead.

I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favourite applications. Be it online or offline. I am thinking of going back to "Girlfriend 7.0", or install Mistress 2008 but uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 program. Can you please help?

.... AND THIS IS WHAT THE ANALYST SAID:

Dear Customers,

This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding of the functions of Wife 1.0 program. Many customers upgrade from Girlfriends programmes to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITY AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM.

Actually, Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its Creator to run everything on your current platform. You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend, as Wife 1.0 was not designed to do this and it is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the system once it is installed. Some people have tried to install Girlfriend or Wife 2.0 but have ended up with even more problems. (See manual under Alimony/Child Support and Solicitors' Fees).

Having Wife 1.0 installed, I recommend you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best as you can. When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the C:\ APOLOGIZE\FORGIVEME.EXE Program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-Key for it will freeze the entire system.

To get the most out of it, consider buying additional Software such as "Flowers 2.0" and "Chocolates 5.0" or "HUGS\ KISSES 600.0" or "TENDERNESS\ UNDERSTANDING 1000.0" or even Eating out without the Kids 7.2.1" (if Child processing has already started).

DO NOT under any circumstances install "Secretary 2.1" (Short Skirt Version) or "One Nightstand 3.2" (Any Mood Version), as this is not a supported Application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly CRASH.

BEST WISHES

Technical Support

6 comments:

joyunspeakable said...

dear antie agony

i thought you'd tell me the same thing about wife 1.0 being an operative system....but i guess if that program continues like it is, am going to upgrade to married bachelor 2.0 and be like Paul till rapture

Maua said...

If you stick to the manual, and service wife 1.0 accordingly, there should be no probs.

I guess the analyst says it all.

Maua said...

@Joyunspeakable. If the manual fails, there is another MANUAL by the creator of them all. It never fails.

3N said...

I love this forward.

the trick is to learn wife 1.0 and disguise all your other activities under the program businestravel 4.0.

tremendous care has to be undertaken and all relevant experiences with foreignEntertain 7.9 and OffShore Mistress 4.5 must be kept discreet.

joyunspeakable said...

maua....yours is the traditional christian marriage cousellors bit......a bit boring. 3N woiyi...ati business what? that must cost a fortune, cos it must come with flight-to-island 7.0, cover-your-back 8.0, and anti-HIV 10.0, guilt 100.0 and likey-death-in-the-heat-of-the-moment 0.0

Afroideas said...

Folks... I never thought that chicken would cause me so much laughter!!!

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Matiba Ken - Let the pple decide. no short cut....

S. Kivuitu - am not sure if the chicken crossed the road.The chicken keeper has disappeared with form 16A. Dont ask me again. You can shoot me if you want...

Martha Karua - this is a legal matter that must be taken to the High court of the animal farm where the eagle is the judge. Thats the tradition

Orengo James - its vital we first establish if the chicken crossed alone or was it accompanied with anyone,whom we've overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing

Mutula Kilonzo - it depends upon your frame of reference to see if indeed the chicken crossed or the road moved beneath it. You shud read all relevant chapters and not just conclude after reading only one chapter

Peter Nyong'o - it was looking for equity and social justice

Mutua Alfred - the chicken never crossed the road. This is a complete fabrication. We dont even have chicken.

Kiraithe (Police spokesman) - The scene must have been video edited to show the chicken crossing the road yet it was standing

Kalonzo Musyoka - it was expecting a miracle across the road

Mzee Moi - Kuku gitu kani? Siasa mbaya,maisha mbaya

RAILA AMOLO - had the chicken signed an MOU not to cross the road? Crossing the road is a two- horse affair. Anything else is a donkey!! Besides no one can stop the River Nile.....But if we cross the road as we did on 27th Dec,then we can invite the chicken back to the original side of the road. Raila na mpira.......gooooooaaal

EMILIO MWAI - Kuku ilivuka palepale,ikienda huko huko........na hilo ndilo jambo la muhimu.......hakuna mambo ingine.......na hatuwezi kataa,tutakataa namna gani? Hakunaaaa!!! Na hao wanaendelea kuongea mambo ya kuku.......ni wapumbavu......mavi ya kuku!!!

Kindergarten teacher - to get to the other side

Plato - for the greater good

Aristotle - its the nature of chickens to cross roads

Karl Marx - it was a historical inevitability

Martin Luther King - ..........I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives being called into
question

Machiavelli - The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

Freud - The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity

Saddam - this was unprovoked act of rebellion and we were justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it

G.W. Bush - we dont really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There's no middle ground

Budha - asking this question denies your own chicken nature

Isaac Newton - any chicken in the universe shall always cross a road perpendicularly and in infinitely long straight line at uniform speed unless it stops due to unbalanced reactive force in the opposite direction of the chicken's motion

Charles Darwin - chickens over periods of time,have been naturally selected in such a way that they're now genetically disposed to cross roads

Nelson Mandela - Never again,will the chicken be questioned for crossing the road. This is an ideal for which Iam prepared to die

Thabo Mbeki - we need to establish if really there's a connection btn the chicken and the road

Bob Mugabe - for all the years the road has been owned by white farmers, the poor underprivileged chicken has waited for too long for that road to be given to him n now he is crossing it in force with fellow war veteran chickens. We shall take over the road and give it the roadless chickens, so that they can cross it without fear of retribution from Britain. We will not stop untill all roadless chickens have roads and the freedom to cross them,even if hunger and 10,000% inflation bites them.

Bill Clinton - I did not have any relations with that chicken or that road. And for that matter, I did not inhale that chicken.

Arnold Schwazeneger - The chicken crossed the road to get to the chopper. Now everybody get down.

Wangari Maathai - Why do we have to cut all those trees to build one road for just one chicken to cross? Can it not cross a forest? Protest!

Museveni - We congragulate the chicken for having sucessfully crossed the road in a very close race.

British foreign office minister - We don't recognise this crossing. Both chickens took panya roots instead of sticking to the prescribed "straight and narrow".

EU observers - We weren't even allowed to witness the chicken crossing in some places, so this is null and void, and you can take that to the kitchen.

ODMer - Did anyone see a chicken crossing the road? All I saw was a chameloeon and horse racing, and as my kalenjin people would put it, a horse would never beat a chameleon in a race!

Kenyans - We demand that a free and fair road crossing race begins again.

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