Flowerly Maua

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I smile recklessly and I love excessively. I live today knowing I have no other day until tomorrow. Now is my moment. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow is a mystery, but today, today is my gift (present).

Monday, 21 February 2011

Describing my stalking playboy.

I have been in a relationship since Aug last year which has caused me so much pain. I am not sure whether I am in love or just infatuated, but I have gotten to the point of when he says jump, I ask how high. We live an hour away, and we are more in a long distance relationship, phone only. I write emails, send texts, but he says he finds it easier to just call. He's my friend on Face book, no, Facebook stranger. He follows me all the way, no comments. Zero foot prints.

He’s a Kenyan, he's my age, and has 2 children in a previous relationship, exactly the way I like them now. I feel like he’s using his children and work as an excuse to escape some things. He spends one weekend, Fri to Sun, and a whole Saturday a month with the kids. I have a son too, and due to my past experience, I respect families and therefore refrain myself from any contact with him during this time. I believe it’s his time with his children. His childrens' mother got married 1 month before we met after having separated for 5 years. I was a perfect catch for a rebound.

He has an IT company, servicing and maintaining business computer servers, and at times when these businesses have issues, he is required to attend to them even on weekends (so I've been made to believe). His contract with many of them requires him to be on-call. Most times he’s working from home, but his time is ‘fully engaged’.

I'm a QT kinda girl. I don't want flowers, chocolate, and words have lost meaning since August. I want him with me as often as I can. But sometimes I don’t see him for up to 2-3 weeks. When he’s with me, he makes me feel so special I forget all the hurt he causes. We talk 1-2 times a day, and there will be times we’ll not talk for up to 2 days. He was too busy to see me weekend before Xmas as he was travelling to Kenya for 3 weeks. In my calendar, my days have halted on 13th Feb coz I'm still waiting for dear Valentine. He's still on the motorway driving to me.

I used to just turn up at his doorstep in the hope of proving something, but I’m tired of the games. The annoying thing is when he doesn’t answer his phone, especially Saturdays when we are supposed to meet. I have a feeling I'm not the only one in his life, but talk of silence treatment, I've been injected with this silent, secret drug that has no name whose side effect is the need and desire of him being with me or talking to me.

On the other hand, he is full of knowledge, and when we see/talk, there is nothing we can not talk about. When he’s 'present', he’s a brother, lover, teacher, sister, friend, confidant and many more, all wrapped up in him. He has a wicked sense of humour, and he’s the sort of guy you won’t feel a thing taking to your parents.

I know this relationship is terminally ill, I want to kill it. The question is not how but when? Many a times I plan in my head how I’ll keep off him, but I’m too weak in the evenings after my son has gone to bed, when I need to talk to someone ‘who understands me’, or when I’m alone and playing scrabble alone in the dark.

I am in the last phase of writing my thesis, and since Oct last year, this relationship has caused too much damage in my studies. We broke off in Nov for about 3 weeks, and I thought it’d be easy to get over him as I busied myself in my studies. Pure lies, it caused so much hurt and tears I had to request for more time in my submission from Jan to May. When we got back together, I thought things would be ok, but I am in a worse situation than before. I feel so rejected and insecure, and the need to proof myself to him despite the fact that I’m also trying to delete him in my life completely. I'm normally a very strong person who can easily walk away and not look back, but not with this one. I'm totally eddied around him. Love, not sure.

I want out, but right now, getting off will cause more damage than staying in. I have a deadline to hand in my project, but how do I stay in this till then and still deliver a good piece of work?

I know I'm not a kid, and I shouldn't be played. And I know I should get off him like now, but somethings are easier said than done.

This is my favourite, coutesy of my stalker playboy. When he whispers those words, who wouldn't be fooled. Complete contraction.


PKW said...

I know it's not good for a woman to be alone but this guy is not the guy for you. If he were, he'd do anything to be with you whenever he could. He's like a drug, eh? Addictive but ultimately bad for you.

Maybe you need to get back into stuff you used to do bila him, maybe even find new stuff to do. Maybe then you'll feel like you need him less. Like a rehab of sorts where it's difficult but necessary. I hear things get worse before they get better. Who knows, maybe you'll even meet that someone whose chance of meeting has been hindered by Playboy.

Maua said...

PKW, I can do all these things if this thesis is off my way, maybe come Ug, but I have to finish this first. He chokoras my brains leaving only himself in there instead of the masomos. I need a shrink, blogoshrink passing by.

lara said...

You must be mad to stay with an big head like he is, buy a parrot and live with it it would be more fun Get Real women, you will always find a new man or women, get out of it, he will be two timeing you.

PKW said...

The thesis could be all the more reason you'd need time away from him. Give it(the thesis) your best. You don't want to lose the man who's not worth your time anyway, and have him be the reason you don't do well, or don't complete your thesis in time, if ever-God forbid!

PS: I'm not an expert on these things, so weigh what I say here!
And you're welcome to UG or wherever I am, any time!

woolie said...

I feel for you Maua but the answer to this riddle lies within the wording of the riddle itself. You must be strong: If this love feels like a strong drug then it is harmful and will eventually destroy you. If a loved one was addicted to crack and came to you for help would you advise them to first finish their exams....?

yellasoul said...

wow...i like how you're honest...when you're ready to cut him off,surround yourself with people...so that the echos and crickets of loneliness is not all you hear...the longer you wait,the harder it gets to break away...but all in all,whenever you're ready..good luck ;-)

KK said...

Clearly I've been missing quite a bit... Wish I could be of help but I have no clue when it comes to relationships or thesis.... except fictitious ones:)
All the same, I think we hold the answers to life's questions within us. You my dear holds the key to your happiness.... or something like that:)

Ugandan girl said...

this year i have decided to stay away from giving relationship advice consdiering that i am not in any and not planing on being in one for a long while..

But one thing i know is you should follow both your heart and your head. If you think about it ...and it is not worth it...then just know everyday is a brand new day.

Maua said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Maua said...

Thanks blogren. I'm looking at all directions, and I'm sure the unstalking will soon take place.

@Lara, I know it's mad, and I've considered many options, just weighing them.

@PKW,when it's all done and packed, I'll never wanna see any academic books, and certainly no stalkers again. I'll come celebrate in UG.

@Woolie, one stone 2 birds or none. At what angle do I throw the stone.

@Yellasoul, Problem is btn now and mid May, the rest God help me coz I'll party till the drug is off my veins.

@Kei, I missed you too, where you been? I have the key? Which end does it open? I'll keep trying.

@Ug gal,My head and my heart can't agree, they keep arguing. I'll await the new dawn.

Thank you all.

Mo said...

Oh my God, dear Maua... I'm reading this and it's so freaky how I've been in the EXACT SAME PLACE myself. Seriously, just switch the gender and the profession and... that's my girl... well, my ex.

I feel your pain, Maua. I really do. I'm always ready to provide a listening ear. Holler at my inbox - mr.momobaggins@gmail.com

Maua said...

Tx Mo, I'll get busy driving to your gmail. Looking forth to the etalk.

joyunspeakable said...

Hey...check your email gal...

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