Flowerly Maua

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I smile recklessly and I love excessively. I live today knowing I have no other day until tomorrow. Now is my moment. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow is a mystery, but today, today is my gift (present).

Monday, 21 February 2011

Describing my stalking playboy.

I have been in a relationship since Aug last year which has caused me so much pain. I am not sure whether I am in love or just infatuated, but I have gotten to the point of when he says jump, I ask how high. We live an hour away, and we are more in a long distance relationship, phone only. I write emails, send texts, but he says he finds it easier to just call. He's my friend on Face book, no, Facebook stranger. He follows me all the way, no comments. Zero foot prints.

He’s a Kenyan, he's my age, and has 2 children in a previous relationship, exactly the way I like them now. I feel like he’s using his children and work as an excuse to escape some things. He spends one weekend, Fri to Sun, and a whole Saturday a month with the kids. I have a son too, and due to my past experience, I respect families and therefore refrain myself from any contact with him during this time. I believe it’s his time with his children. His childrens' mother got married 1 month before we met after having separated for 5 years. I was a perfect catch for a rebound.

He has an IT company, servicing and maintaining business computer servers, and at times when these businesses have issues, he is required to attend to them even on weekends (so I've been made to believe). His contract with many of them requires him to be on-call. Most times he’s working from home, but his time is ‘fully engaged’.

I'm a QT kinda girl. I don't want flowers, chocolate, and words have lost meaning since August. I want him with me as often as I can. But sometimes I don’t see him for up to 2-3 weeks. When he’s with me, he makes me feel so special I forget all the hurt he causes. We talk 1-2 times a day, and there will be times we’ll not talk for up to 2 days. He was too busy to see me weekend before Xmas as he was travelling to Kenya for 3 weeks. In my calendar, my days have halted on 13th Feb coz I'm still waiting for dear Valentine. He's still on the motorway driving to me.

I used to just turn up at his doorstep in the hope of proving something, but I’m tired of the games. The annoying thing is when he doesn’t answer his phone, especially Saturdays when we are supposed to meet. I have a feeling I'm not the only one in his life, but talk of silence treatment, I've been injected with this silent, secret drug that has no name whose side effect is the need and desire of him being with me or talking to me.

On the other hand, he is full of knowledge, and when we see/talk, there is nothing we can not talk about. When he’s 'present', he’s a brother, lover, teacher, sister, friend, confidant and many more, all wrapped up in him. He has a wicked sense of humour, and he’s the sort of guy you won’t feel a thing taking to your parents.

I know this relationship is terminally ill, I want to kill it. The question is not how but when? Many a times I plan in my head how I’ll keep off him, but I’m too weak in the evenings after my son has gone to bed, when I need to talk to someone ‘who understands me’, or when I’m alone and playing scrabble alone in the dark.

I am in the last phase of writing my thesis, and since Oct last year, this relationship has caused too much damage in my studies. We broke off in Nov for about 3 weeks, and I thought it’d be easy to get over him as I busied myself in my studies. Pure lies, it caused so much hurt and tears I had to request for more time in my submission from Jan to May. When we got back together, I thought things would be ok, but I am in a worse situation than before. I feel so rejected and insecure, and the need to proof myself to him despite the fact that I’m also trying to delete him in my life completely. I'm normally a very strong person who can easily walk away and not look back, but not with this one. I'm totally eddied around him. Love, not sure.

I want out, but right now, getting off will cause more damage than staying in. I have a deadline to hand in my project, but how do I stay in this till then and still deliver a good piece of work?

I know I'm not a kid, and I shouldn't be played. And I know I should get off him like now, but somethings are easier said than done.

This is my favourite, coutesy of my stalker playboy. When he whispers those words, who wouldn't be fooled. Complete contraction.

Saturday, 19 February 2011

Rescue Team Needed

Why is life so unfair?

I need to finish my dissertation. I need support to hand this on time not a will power to end a terminally ill affair. Surely, how can one love he who does not show back? Not even sure of his caring. How did I agree to in back and climb this high?

If I end this now, I'll not make my deadline in ten weeks time. If I go on like this, I might crack and hurt myself. I'm on an cliff. I need someone to gently let me down, a rescue team, or I'll jump, and the end results, looser on both ends.

God, give me some strength using my blogthren....